Halo
by MermaidMidna
Summary: Casey's perfect little world comes crashing down on her when tragedy strikes the McDonald-Venturi household. Will she be able to make it through, or will she need some extra help from a "friend?" Based on kthxilyxxx's "Halo" video. Dasey.
1. Chapter 1

_Hmm that's funny. Real funny. How he decides to put shampoo in my shoes and then proceeds to film me as I put them on. It's cold and squishy, and right now I'm just wishing I was stepping on his head instead of in my shoes. I chase after him in shampoo feet, slipping and sliding. He's laughing hysterically, and I'm trying to conceal that smile that's just itching to form on my lips. I can't help it. The shoes and the camera are abandoned, and it's just us, running around the house like madmen. And I'm having more fun than I've had all week. Except I'm going to be late for my date._

_He pulls up and honks the horn, and I have no shoes to match my outfit now, so I put on some flip flops, and run out the door. But not before turning around and looking at the slightly troubled face staring at me from the living room. I wave goodbye to him, and it's so unlike me. But then again, I haven't really been myself since God knows when. Everything is a blur until I get home to him._

_He's sleeping in his chair and for some reason the expression on his face makes me sad. He's the only person downstairs and all of the lights are out. It's late- past my curfew and I'll probably be grounded tomorrow. I wonder briefly what he's dreaming about. I walk cautiously up to him, ready to bolt the moment he opens his eyes. But the moment never comes. So I kiss his forehead and run up the stairs. _

_

* * *

_

"Casey, you're in my way!"

"No, Derek, you're in _my_ way!" We're in the bathroom fighting over the mirror space. Truthfully, we could both use the mirror. It's big enough. But what would be the fun in that? I hip bump him and he goes flying out of the way. Haha. He's quick to retaliate though, and soon I'm on my back on the floor, glaring up at him.

How much longer until university when I don't have to share a bathroom with him anymore?!

He looks at me and laughs, but then holds out his hand to help me up. Since when did he develop feelings? I reach for him and pull him right down next to me. I laugh as we engage in a full-on wrestling tournament. We _are_ mature. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

We both pause as the doorbell rings. "Gotta go! It's Emily!" Derek jumps up and hurries away and I'm left to brush my hair alone.

How much longer until university when I don't have to share a bathroom with him anymore?

Hopefully not too soon.

I just watched T.V. while he was gone. I'm not even quite sure what show it was. Something stupid. He comes back absolutely livid, kicking the banister and saying a few words I wouldn't _dare_ let slip from my mouth.

"What's wrong?" I ask, wringing my hands. He seems to notice me for the first time as he looks at me in surprise.

"Nothing, okay Casey?" he says harshly. Something must have gone terribly wrong on that date. Is it wrong to want to smile because of that? "I'm going for a ride to clear my head."

"Can I-" And just as quickly as he comes, he leaves.

* * *

_She calls me on my cell phone in a panic, demanding answers. Why isn't he talking to me? Why is he so mad? Why can't we just work this out? _

_I don't know! Why don't you figure it out yourself?_

_I have more to worry about than her stupid relationship problems. He hasn't come home from his "ride" and it's been 3 hours. Where did he go? Was he alright? I was more than a little worried. I was freaked. It was not like him to be gone for so long. It was not like him to get so incredibly angry._

_Then my cell phone rings and I check the caller ID. If it's Emily, I will seriously chuck my phone across the room. If it's Derek, I will seriously have a heart attack. If it's anyone else, I will chuck __**myself **__across the room. Maybe it would be better if I didn't look at it at all. _

_It was Derek. Or at least I thought it was. But when I answered, I heard a woman's voice on the line. She asked me if this was Casey. I told her yes. Where's Derek? She wanted to know who I was in relation to Derek. A friend, a girlfriend, a cousin? I told her step sister. Where's Derek? She asked me to hand the phone over to Derek's parents. I replied, where's Derek? And all she could tell me was to give the phone away. _

_So I finally listen to her and give the phone to George. And he steps into another room even though I'm not really sure why. I mean, I am 18. Anything that lady says to him she can say to me. He's in there for a really long time, and I can't hear what he's saying. And I'm 18 years old… I shouldn't be eavesdropping behind a door trying to get answers from my step father._

_But then I have to wonder why he comes yelling out of the room with this horrified look on his face. He's telling us all to get over here and get in the car. And he's whispering to Mom about something. And I'm sweating bullets. My knees are jiggling and I feel as if the world is about to collapse beneath me. And it probably already has as Mom lets out a huge sob, burying her face in her hands. George ushers us all into the car and the only reason I'm able to move is because he's pushing me. _

_I hear George whispering to Mom about how 'they had called me because I was the last person he called.' I want to know desperately what they're mumbling about, but at the same, I'm afraid to even ask. Because it is serious mayhem in here. Marti's whining about missing a shoe. Edwin is laughing hysterically as he tries to sit on Lizzie. And she's angrily shoving the 130 pound boy of her lap. _

_And then it's even more chaotic as we pull up to a hospital. 'What's going on?' 'Where's Derek?' 'Mom, George, why aren't you telling us anything?' Mom starts crying again and that does it for Marti. She's crying too, questioning about Smerek and the hospital. She's smarter than most people realize._

_Everyone stares at us as we rush into the hospital, my legs still threatening to give in. Marti's holding Mom's hand, Lizzie's in the lead with Edwin tailing behind, George is falling behind, and I'm blinded by stupid tears leaking out my eyes. I don't even know why I'm crying. 'Guys, slow down! Let me explain!' I hear from behind me. The rest of the family comes to a halt but I keep running. I don't think I could slow down if I tried. _

'_Casey!'_

_I'm already through the doors and at the check-in desk. 'Is Derek Venturi here?' _

_The lady at the desk has a perplexed look on her face as she asks me to sign in. I scribble my name as quickly as I can and it looks like Cay Mcland paid a visit to the hospital. She gives me a visitor's pass and tells me he's on the third floor, but I can't see him just yet. I have to stay in the waiting room until the doctors give me permission. Somehow, she's comforting, and I thank her. She gives me a warming smile and I rush up the third floor without the rest of my family. I even forget that there's an invention called an elevator. _

_There are doctors rushing by with clipboards and masks and even though they're the ones wearing them, I swear I'm more suffocated than they are. I literally collapse into a chair and the world around me starts spinning out of control, even more than it did before graduation. Because I don't take change well, and this could change everything._

_I don't even know if Derek is seriously injured or just hurt. I don't know what happened or where it happened. All I know is that time is seeming to pass by quicker than I could ever imagine. One moment I'm alone, and the next I'm surrounded by anxious faces. And then the doctors are talking to Mom and George, and they are telling Lizzie and Edwin to stay outside with Marti as we go and visit Derek. Because I'm 18 and I can see these things. I'm brave and old enough to handle it. _

_But I know it must be bad if Edwin and Lizzie can't see. _

_I swallow as a lump forms in my throat. And there I see him, lying on the bed. Broken, pale, bleeding. Oh God. Oh no. I can't deal with this! Who was I kidding? I can't even watch horror movies without flinching. And suddenly I'm by Derek's side, pleading with him. 'Derek, please! Oh please, God. Don't let this happen! He can't, he won't leave me! You can make it, Derek! You're strong.' _

_I am seriously blind at this point. George pulls me away and Mom is crying too. And I try to fight them, try to get back to Derek, but I'm too weak to take another step._

'_We tried to resuscitate him, but there wasn't much we could do.' The doctor says. What is that supposed to mean? Oh… no. It can't be. He's lying… he's… And then- 'I'm sorry.'_

_Sorry sends electricity running through my veins, and I break free of George's hold and grab Derek's arm. Lifeless. Sorry doesn't cut it. Trying doesn't cut it. Those things don't help people live. Those things don't allow Derek to sit up, smile and say 'gotcha.' He's just laying there. And I can't do anything. I'm worthless._

_I scream and start pounding on the table beside his bed. And the doctors are trying to get me out of there but I'm kicking and punching at every inch. One strong doctor has me in his hold, and I struggle, slipping out of his arms and hitting the hospital floor. All is black._

_

* * *

_

"DEREK!" I cry out, sitting upright in my bed. It was all… a dream? A sick, twisted nightmare of some sort? I bolt from my bed and go to his room, looking for a sign, any sign that he's alive.

And then Mom is by my side, stroking my hair, tears streaming down her face. "Casey, he's not here anymore. I'm sorry, darling…"

"No, no…" It can't be true. It just can't be, because what is life without Derek? But if she says it, than it must be.

But I realize my nightmares have only just begun as I see a glowing white figure standing by the door smirking at me.

* * *

_Remember those walls I built?  
Well Baby they are tumbling down  
And they didn't even put up a fight  
They didn't even make a sound…_

_

* * *

_

**AN: I hope you enjoyed the prologue… well I don't know if "enjoyed" is the most fitting word. This fic is based on Emily's (kthxilyxxx) amazing, AMAZING AU video on youtube. ****youtube .com/ watch?v=voxZ6brF7wA**** (without the spaces) My word, go check it out now. It is freaking awesome! I only hope I can do her the honor of writing a good fic to represent her video!  
All credit for the plot goes to her! And I do not own Life With Derek! Please review if you have the time!**


	2. Chapter 2

"Mom, can I just be alone now?" I ask, my voice shaking.

She nods and leaves me, her eyebrows furrowed in concern. I can only imagine what the look is on my face as _he_ enters the room, passing right by Mom. She doesn't see him, and it's as if he's just another speck of dust in the air. Perhaps he is. Or maybe _this_ is the dream.

Either way, I'm staring at him in horror and he's just got this giant smirk on his face like this is the funniest thing in the world. Only it's not, because I'm freaking out. And I've freaked out before, but not like this. This time, I _swear _I've lost my mind, because this doesn't happen to normal people. He's glowing white, almost like the moon.

"Derek?" I manage to choke out.

"Hey, princess. Miss me?" Oh God. It is him. From the quirky expression on his face to the leather jacket he was wearing the day of the accident, to the teasing voice that send shivers down my spine.

"What _are_ you?" I ask. Because I've never seen anything like this before. Not in books or movies or plays, unless… I briefly remember Shakespeare's _MacBeth._ Could it be? Derek's a-

"Honestly, Space Case." he laughs, throwing himself on the bed beside me. I almost scream, but manage to keep my cool. Who am I kidding? Since when is seeing… ghosts keeping it cool? I back up from the glowing figure who I refuse to believe is Derek. "You would think that after 3 years of health classes, you would at least be able to recognize a male when you see one. Or do you need me to demonstrate the section on anatomy again?"

"Der-ek?" But I'm almost curious. If his body is glowing, does that mean his-

"Always the drama queen."

I want to yell at him, because in this situation, who _wouldn't_ be a drama queen? My dead step-brother has somehow reincarnated and is standing next to me as some paranormal spirit that only I can see. Well, Mom can't see him at least. But how can I yell at someone who just got ran over?

_This isn't real_, I tell myself. This only happens on the sci-fi channel. So I walk past the Derek specter and out the door, hoping that my imagination will come to a halt and I'll stop seeing things.

But it's really hard to ignore something that spouts out random insults at you throughout the entire day.

* * *

'_So, if I go to sleep, you'll be gone when I wake up, right?'_

_He's not gone when I awake, though. He's sitting in my desk chair, laughing hysterically when I sit up and stare at him in shock. 'Do you really think you could get rid of me __**that **__easily?'_

_He never leaves me alone. And truthfully, I don't want him to. Because it's almost comforting in a way, to look across the dinner table and see him sitting in that same spot. It's like he never left. And sure, no one else around me can see him, but that means I get him all to myself. Ha. Who would have guessed there would be a day where I craved my own personal Derek?_

_I wish I could feel for everyone else, but it's hard enough to feel for myself. Marti still calls his name for dinner, and then realizes he's not coming down the stairs. She barely eats, and she's not the happy little girl she was before. She's quiet._

_Sometimes I find Edwin in his old room, looking through the hockey cards and just crying his eyes out. I want to wrap him in my arms and tell him to be strong. But I'm scared he'll push me away. I never know with Edwin._

_Lizzie is being as tough as ever. I feel as if she holds us all together, like glue. But I look at her and see nothing left in her eyes. No sparkle or shine. _

_Mom is trying to hold it all in for the benefit of the rest of the family. But at the same time, she's hurting herself. I fear that she's only eating for the baby inside her, and not for herself. She clings to the hope of having another Venturi enter this world. Maybe he or she will be able to fill the void that Derek left us with. But she's only kidding herself. No one can replace Derek._

_And George has left us all together. In the mental sense at least. He just carries out every day like it is the same. Eat. Work. Sleep. And he will continue to this. I think George just needs time. Time will heal him._

_I don't know if time will heal this wound inside me. I have Derek, in some sense. But it's not the same. He's always by my side, but he's never with me. I can talk to him and he can soothe me in a way. _

_But it's hard to love something that isn't really there._

_

* * *

_

"We have to have the funeral soon, George."

"I don't really know if I want a funeral."

"I know this is hard to cope with, but you have to come to terms with it eventually! We _have_ to have a funeral. Abby's flying over from Spain. All of Derek's classmates… how will they ever get the chance to say goodbye?"

"I didn't have a chance to say goodbye."

"God, George! Please just stop being stubborn and selfish _for once_! This isn't about you! This is about your dead son! Don't you care?"

I walk in on Mom and George's argument. George's face is red and he looks as though he might burst. Mom is almost in tears. I try to back away slowly, but she ropes me in.

"Good timing, Casey!" Derek says sarcastically. I roll my eyes and Mom gives me a reproachful glance. Of course! Derek even gets me in trouble when he's dead.

…His cynical nature has rubbed off on me.

"Casey, sweetie," Mom starts. Oh no. If she's using petnames, that means she wants something from me. "Would you mind doing a eulogy at the funeral? You seem to be coping with this the best out of all of us, and I don't think anyone else would be able to-"

"Sure Mom." I say, before she goes into hysterics. And then I truly realize what I've gotten myself into.

"Thanks, darling." she kisses my forehead, and I hurry away before they start up their argument again.

"Talk about selfish." Derek sighs.

"What do you mean?" I ask him, when we get to the privacy of my bedroom and I've locked the door. I don't want people to find me talking to _myself._

"Well, first of all, she gives her teenage daughter the responsibility of writing a eulogy, just because she _can't cope with it."_ He puts the last part in air quotations, and I open my mouth to argue, but he goes on. "Especially since she thought you hated me, so how does she expect you to write something heartfelt?" I hate to admit it, but he has a point. Mom never knew how much I truly… appreciated Derek. No one knew. All they saw were fights and pranks, but _we_ knew. "And just because you aren't having a mental breakdown every day, doesn't mean you're the least affected. I mean, you're the one seeing ghosts. You loony."

I almost laugh for the first time since the accident. "Wooooh!" Derek makes (allegedly) spooky sounds and waves his fingers at me. And I smile, at least.

"Well, if you think the task of writing a eulogy is too hard for me alone, why don't you help?" I learned to smirk from him, and I put it to good use.

"Oh, this should be fun…"

* * *

'_Think of some of our fondest memories together.'_

'_Haha, shouldn't be too hard, considering there are so few of __**those.**__'_

'_The day we met. The time you fought Sam over some dumb male code that didn't really exist. Oh, how about when you took me to prom or activated my force field? Or when we danced on national television or studied together? Try to deny it, Derek Venturi, but you've actually had some fun times with me.'_

'_Yeah right. And compare that to the amount of __**bad**__ times we've shared.'_

_He always had to ruin the mood. I never really considered our fights bad, but he got me thinking about all of the horrible things I did to him. Granted, he did prank me practically every day, but he never hurt me out of spite. The only time I was hurt was when I saw him with Kendra or Sally or Emily. And that wasn't on purpose, was it?_

_Because I dated Truman on purpose. Derek __**hated **__it. I could tell he wanted to strangle Truman every time he walked into a room with me. And I kissed him so Derek would pay more attention. But it backfired on me when Derek started going out with Emily._

_Emily… she hadn't texted or called since the accident. And I could only guess what she was feeling. Probably guilt. Guilt for fighting with Derek and making him go for the drive that ended his life. But if it wasn't for me dating Truman, none of this would have happened._

_And if I learned to tell the truth every once in a while, maybe I could have prevented this. _

'_**Derek, you are the most annoying brother.'**_

'_**Step-brother.'**_

_Maybe if I would have told him he was right… If I had just leaned across the table… He would have broken up with Emily. She would have been crushed. But what's worse? An ex-boyfriend, or a dead boyfriend. But instead, I gave up. I gave up on ever being associated with Derek as more than a sister or a friend. _

'_**Same difference.'**_

'_Hey Spacey, you done spacing out yet?'_

'_Ugh! I'm a terrible person! I'm a lying, conniving bitch!' I collapse onto the bed, holding back the tears that I know are coming._

'_I couldn't agree more.' Derek laughs. _

_And then I can't take it anymore. I dissolve into sobs, letting out everything that has consumed me for so long. _

'_Oh no. Don't cry! You know I don't deal with emotions well!'_

'_I lied to you, Derek! You would still be here if it wasn't for me.' I sit up, scanning the room for him, but he is already gone. My tears must have scared him off… or maybe he wasn't even there in the first place. _

_I curl up into a ball on my bed. My stomach hurts and my head is throbbing. _

_I fall asleep praying that he'll return to me._

_

* * *

_

**AN: AH! I'm SO sorry it took me so long to update! I hope you liked this chapter! Sorry if there are any grammar mistakes. It's 1 am here! Just let me know and I'll fix it. Review if you so please. Remember to check out Emily's vid if you haven't done so! And I will be responding to everyone who reviewed the prologue ASAP. I love you guys!!! You are all amazing! :D **

**I will be gone for a week starting Monday… :( Just to let you know so you don't think I died or anything! :D I promise to update as soon as I can though! **


	3. Chapter 3

A call from Emily. A text from Truman. A text from Emily. A call from Truman. _Another _call from Truman. And I am beginning to think I've lost my mind as I delete every message in my inbox and voicemail. Emily knows by now. She has to know. And frankly, I don't really feel like talking to her about it. As much as I don't want to talk to my _best friend_, I don't want to talk to my… boyfriend even more. He probably has no clue. No earthly clue what I'm going through right now. And to be honest, that's perfectly fine with me. It's not like he could do much to help, anyway.

My phone rings for the umpteenth time this week and ghost Derek groans. "Just answer it already! Get it over with!" He puts his hands over his ears. "And for the love of God, get a new ringtone." he mumbles.

It didn't take _him_ long to come back. I was afraid that he would leave after my fit of hysterics, but there he was, sitting in my desk chair with this ridiculously goofy grin that makes me almost laugh.

I hesitate before picking up the phone and checking the caller ID. Truman _again._ Seriously, you would think the kid would realize I'm trying to ignore him by now!

Before I can silence his call, Derek is standing over me with a particularly evil looking smirk on his face as he reaches over my shoulder and presses the answer button. I stare at him in shock before hearing a muffled 'Hello? Is anyone there? Casey?'

I make baffled gestures towards the phone. And what am I supposed to do _now, _Derek? Supposedly he's trying to help me, but I don't see where he's going with this. The sound of Truman's voice never helps. "Talk already!" Derek yells, and I press the phone to my ear hastily.

"Hi, Truman?" I ask, although I already know the answer.

"Thank God. I thought I'd never hear your voice again." _And __**I**__ hoped I'd never hear your voice again. _"Where have you been?"

I turn to Derek with an exasperated look on my face. What do I say now? Do I tell him the truth? Could he handle knowing? "Just tell him the truth, woman! You suck at lying anyway." Derek voices, and I roll my eyes.

"Well, if you really must know, Truman… my stepbrother, Derek he-" Derek motions me to keep going. "He died. In a car crash." I choke out, barely breathing. Even though 'Derek' is right beside me, it doesn't hurt any less to say it.

And the pain doesn't cease as I hear laughter on the other end. "You're kidding right? I mean, what kind of story is that? I've heard some pretty bad excuses before, but this one takes the cake. You were never a good liar, Case."

"Excuse me?" My voice sounds ten pitches higher as I blink back stinging tears. I knew he was insensitive but this… this was too much. Derek's fists are clenched and his face is contorted in fury.

"Casey, you _were _joking right?" I don't respond. I'm too busy remembering how to use my lungs. "I mean, even if Derek _was _dead, you never really liked him. So what's the real hold up? Why haven't you been responding to my messages?" Derek is now miming me punching the end conversation button on my phone, but I don't do so just yet.

"As a matter of fact, Truman, Derek _is_ dead!" I screech. "And I happened to like him ten times better than I'll _ever_ like you! You are a complete _ass_ and I never want to hear from you again!" Then I take a leaf out of Derek's book and slam the red button on my phone.

"That was brilliant." Derek stares at me in awe, and I feel a blush rising to my cheeks. It's not every day you hear a compliment from the eldest Venturi.

Especially if your name is Casey McDonald.

* * *

_Abby is here and everyone is trying their best to please her. 'She's a little sensitive right now, so try not to bring up… you know. She's our guest, so treat her with respect. She came all the way from Spain, so be nice.' _

_So…How the heck am I __**not**_ _going to mention Derek? He __**is **__the reason why she's here. And she had __**better**__ be flying all the way from Spain for her son's funeral! What are you supposed to expect from a mother? And it's a little hard to be chipper when your step brother just died. _

_Nevertheless, I put on my brave face and act like everything is okay. Even when stone-faced Abby merely responds to all my questions with a nod or shake of her head. Even when I ask what she did in Spain…_

_I understand, different people grieve in different ways. But it's hard for me to grasp the concept of a mother that doesn't cry for her dead son. Mom has been doing so, and Derek isn't even blood related to her. But then again, I haven't really been crying either. Maybe Abby has her own personal ghost Derek too…_

_I swear, he's the only thing keeping me from going insane. Or maybe I already am insane, just for seeing him. Either way, I'm not nearly 'as sad' as the other members of my family. I don't know why Derek chose to come back to me, rather than Marti, Edwin, or even George. But maybe he knew. Maybe he realized I would need him the most. I don't know what I __**would**__ be doing without him by my side. _

_Because, honestly, I had come to terms that Derek was my best friend when he was living. I never had more fun than when I was arguing or messing with him. I was never happier than when I was making him laugh or sharing stories with him. I never felt more loved than when he put his arm around me or danced with me. I needed Derek's ghost so I could deal with his death. But the one thing ghost Derek couldn't give me, was his touch. I missed his touch. _

_What __**would **__I have done if I had lost my best friend completely?_

_

* * *

_

"Um, hi. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Casey McDonald, Derek's stepsister." I stood in front of a crowd of people, clad in black. There was this empty feeling in my stomach even though I felt like I was going to throw up. I never had a problem standing in front of people to deliver a speech, but this… This was no history assignment. "We're here today to honor someone… incredible. Someone who could turn anyone's frown to a smile. Someone who could light up a room just by entering it. He was my stepbrother, and he was a real character." A few people let out a small laugh, but it was nothing disrespectful. It was for Derek. "He always found one way or another to prank me or make fun of me. He was a restless spirit, someone who never backed down from a challenge and never gave up. And yet…" I fingered my notes, trying to stop my hands from shaking. "I saw so much more in him. He was genuine and kind. He cared about so many people. Children loved him. Girls loved him." A few people smiled up at me. "Everyone he knew… they all had a place in their hearts for him. I don't know a single person who didn't adore him in one way or another. Even me, his annoying keener of a stepsister… I loved Derek." The tears began to prick at my eyes, and even though I knew this would happen, I still hated it. "Sorry." I sounded like I was being strangled. "He didn't like to see people cry."

"It's okay, Casey." I heard a voice beside me, and I saw ghost Derek looking at me with a pained expression. "For once, I give you my permission."

"Derek will be forever missed." I continued, struggling. "But I know, one day..." My voice faltered and I felt myself getting dizzy. "I can't do this. I can't finish." I whispered, gasping for air. I felt a strong pair of arms around me as George led me back to my seat. I sat there for a moment before running to the bathroom and heaving over the toilet. That is, until _someone _interrupted me.

"Always the drama queen."

* * *

_30 minutes later I return to the ceremony. People are saying their goodbyes and crying over the coffin. I almost wish I would have taken longer in the bathroom. Especially when Emily comes running up to me. _

'_Oh my God, Casey, are you okay?' she asks, tears shining in her eyes._

"_Just dandy, Em.' _

_And then for about 10 minutes, she goes off on this monologue about how she was worried about me and how she was angry that I didn't call her back. She talks about __**how much**__ she's going to miss her boyfriend and how unfair life is and how it was her fault because they got in a fight right before the accident. And then she contemplates the afterlife and how one day her and Derek will meet again in heaven. _

_And I'm finding it very hard not to either a) punch her in the face, or b) almost laugh. Because ghost Derek is standing behind her mimicking her antics, and it's quite a good impersonation._

_Finally she's done, and, tears streaming down her face, she hugs me goodbye. The last thing she says is 'Call me and we'll talk about this later. We can get through this together.' Yeah __**we'll **__talk about this._

_And the people don't stop running over to me, telling me how beautiful my speech was, and asking me if I'm okay. Honestly, I would be a heck of a lot better if they all just left me alone. _

_The last person that ends up leaving, besides the McDonald-Venturi bunch, is Ralph. He's just standing over Derek's grave with a funny expression on his face. I approach him cautiously._

'_Ralph, I think it's time to go.'_

_He turns to look at me and smiles. 'I liked your eulogy, Casey. That was really nice.' _

'_Hmm, I'm surprised he even knows that word.' I sigh as Derek materializes beside me again. _

'_Thanks Ralph.' I say, ignoring the figure to my left._

'_Sure. I bet Derek liked it too.' Ralph stares up at the sky. He's a peculiar one alright._

'_Yeah, I hope so.'_

'_I know so.' Peculiar, but sweet. 'We can, you know, talk if you want. I know this must be hard for you.'_

'_That sounds nice, Ralph.' I muster all my energy into producing a hopefully convincing smile. _

_Ralph takes a pen from his pants pocket and writes his number on my hand. 'Bye, Case.' he says. 'And by the way, nice shoes!' He leaves and I crinkle my forehead in amusement. _

'_Wow, he must really like you if he says he likes your shoes.' Derek laughs._

'_Yeah.' I stare at my hand and the corners of my lips turn up. Ralph is actually someone I wouldn't mind talking to about… 'this.'_

_

* * *

_

**AN: FINALLY! That wasn't too hard now… I should have sat down and done that a LONG time ago! Sorry for the long wait! I hope it was worth it! Okay, so obviously this is **_**not**_** going in the same order as Emily's video, or else it would be like, over by now. There's still more to come though. Don't worry! :D Please review if ya feel like it! **


	4. Chapter 4

It is after the funeral that I start having nightmares. Faceless people in black break through my bedroom door, their arms outstretched as they reach for me, trying to obtain some sort of grasp on me as I run. Emily and Truman simultaneously call me on the phone and laugh loudly every time I try to talk.

Then there are the Derek dreams. Ones where I recreate the accident all in my head, only anything I imagine is far worse than the realistic outcome was. One dream involves a man with white eyes and blood-stained clothes chasing after Derek in his car and repeatedly ramming into him. Another contains a stormy night where lightning strikes every tree in Derek's path, one finally hitting the target and ruthlessly crushing Derek's car.

And then there are the scariest nightmares of all… the ones where I see my own reaction to his death… the most realistic dreams. I watch myself turn pale white, suffocating and crying out for Derek to return. I see myself take a razor from the bathroom medicine cabinet and then-

I wake up in a cold sweat, tears pouring down my face. I hold myself, rocking back and forth in a slow, soothing rhythm. It's in these moments that I wish for someone to hold, someone to take me in their arms and let me cry as long as I want. But ghost Derek can only stand over me, looking down as if he wants nothing more than to disappear. He doesn't. And I'm grateful for that. But for once, I'd like the real Derek to lean over my bed and embrace me.

The real part that scares me is that my dreams might become reality. If I do so in my dreams, who's to say I won't do so in real life? Is it true that I really want to die more than I want to live? To be… somehow reunited with Derek and feel his touch again? I try not to think about it too much.

Because the answer is yes.

* * *

'_Hi, is this Ralph? Yeah, it's me, Casey.'_

_I call him about a week or so after the funeral. To me, time doesn't matter anymore. I hope he can give me some sort of comfort that I haven't received yet. I don't know… it's just a feeling I have._

_Ghost Derek looks at me as if I'm crazy. 'Ralph? Really?' he asks, rolling his eyes. 'Can't you do better than that?'_

_I give him the shh symbol before turning my attention back to the person on the other line. _

'_Casey! Hey! I thought you'd never call!' Ralph's deep voice sounds in my ear and somehow I already feel a little bit better._

'_Yeah, well I think I want to talk about… you know…' I pause for a moment before adding 'Derek' because Ralph actually might __**not**__ know what we're talking about._

'_Do you still miss him?' Ralph asks. 'Because it's okay if you do. I still do.'_

_I hesitate, my hands shaking as I lower myself onto my bed and begin to cry. 'Yeah. I miss him a lot.' The tears come spilling out of my eyes and ghost Derek makes a face. 'I don't know what to do anymore, Ralph.' I tell him, honestly._

'_It's alright. I don't know what to do __**half the time**__. That's why I got a D in crafts class last year.'_

_I feel a tickling sensation rise up in my throat and for the first time in ages, I laugh. It's rather wet and I'm left choking, but it's a laugh none the less. Derek stares angrily at me, his eyebrows furrowed. I ignore him. Shouldn't he be glad that I'm happy for __**once? **__'Thanks Ralph.' I say, holding the phone close to my ear. 'I really needed to talk to someone.'_

'_No problem! Although I thought I heard a buffalo dying on the other end. Is everything okay over there?'_

'_Yes! Everything's fine.' I don't know whether to be offended or crack up hysterically. 'Maybe we can have lunch together someday.' I don't know where the thought comes from, but it sounds good in my mind. Ralph seems to be the only one who actually helps me… besides Derek._

'_That sounds rockin!' says Ralph excitedly. 'How about tomorrow?'_

'…_Sure.' Derek gawks at me as if I have horns growing out of my head._

_

* * *

_

"You know I'm going with you on that date."

"It's not a date! It's a friendly get-together!"

"God… didn't I teach you anything?! Girls and guys _cannot _be friends."

"Ralph has a _girlfriend_, Derek!"

"_But he liked your shoes!" _

"Oh my gosh, just let me leave!"

Derek protests with me as I go to walk out the door. Lizzie comes down stairs and asks me who I'm talking to. I lie to her and say I was just on the phone. She asks- with who? And I say Truman. She gives me a reproachful glance as I wave goodbye to her and I'm on my way to Smelly Nellie's to meet with Ralph.

That is, I think I'm on my way until a white figure materializes before me, and I nearly jump out of my skin. "WHAT?" I yell at him.

"I'm just going to follow along and monitor your date, that's all." I glare at him. "Um, before you give me that look, just know that I have your best interests at heart!"

"Sure!" I shout. "I'm sure you do!" I get into George's car and slam the door. "Sometimes I wish you would just disappear forever!" I mumble, turning up the radio as loud as it gets.

But I don't really mean it. I would never wish for Derek to disappear…

* * *

'_Hi Casey!' Ralph waves at me from a booth and I smile, making my way over to him. _

'_Hi. How are you?' I sit down, carefully smoothing my skirt down beneath me._

'_Pretty good. I mean sort of good. I'm still upset, you know. But enough about me. How are you holding up?' He seems nervous for some reason._

'_I'm okay…' And then __**he **__shows up, happily sliding into the booth next to me. I huff and turn away from him. 'I mean, I __**was **__okay! Until __**someone **__showed up and decided to invade my privacy!' Derek smirks._

'_Um, who are you talking about?' questions Ralph. 'A little old lady just walked in, but I don't think she's here to invade your privacy…'_

'_I'm sorry Ralph.' I apologize. 'It's just that… can I trust you with a secret?' _

'_Of course!'_

_I decide to tell him the truth, even if he thinks I'm a loony. But somehow, I don't think he will. 'I just… keep seeing Derek. Everywhere. Like… a ghost or something.'_

'_Are you serious?' Derek says, irritated and shifting beside me. 'You're telling __**Ralph**__ your secret?'_

'_And I keep __**hearing**__ Derek too. Unfortunately.' I say quietly, through my teeth. _

'_Woah…' Ralph stares off into the distance. 'That's so… epic.' I raise my eyebrows. Derek gets up and walks over to another table, throwing his hands up in defeat._

'_You don't think I'm crazy?' I ask, smiling a bit._

'_No way! You're so lucky!' He seems to drift back to reality and looks at me, his eyes gleaming. 'Boy, I would give anything to have my best friend back and with me all the time.'_

'_Wow that's so… sweet.' I barely notice the waitress as she comes over and asks us what we would like. I get some coffee and Ralph orders a milkshake. It's almost normal. This thing with him. I feel like I have a best friend again. My eyes start to well up at the thought, and I feel an arm around my shoulder. _

'_Still thinking about him?' I look up and see Ralph, a comforting look on his face. _

'_Yeah. I just really miss my best friend.' _

'_Me too.' Then, before it can even sink in, Ralph is leaning over and his lips are inches from mine. My heart is pounding, and I see ghost Derek running over to us, furious._

'_Um, what about Amanda?' I ask nervously, slowly inching away._

'_What about her?' Ralph is still moving __**ever**__ closer._

'_Oh, __**hell **__no!' Derek yells angrily. 'Get away from her!' And then he realizes Ralph can't hear him. 'Get away from __**him, **__Casey!_

'_Sorry Ralph, gotta go! I have a curfew!' I practically jump over Ralph and out of the booth, yanking my purse open and throwing some loose change on the table for my coffee. I run out of Smelly's, Derek tailing close behind while Ralph is left to stare blankly at the wall._

'_How could he? How __**dare**__ he?! Lucky thing I was there. Trying to put his hands on you… Oh man. He's so sick. He's so dumb. He __**has **__a girlfriend!' _

_Derek rambles and rants all the way home about Ralph. I just nod my head and pretend to agree with him. Pretend. That's the frightening thing. Because for a moment there, I almost __**wanted **__Ralph to kiss me. _

_

* * *

_

**AN: YAHOO! I finally updated, guys! I figured I owed it to you guys. After a week of acting camp and a week with no power cord / summer assignments, I was finally able to write this! I hope you liked it. Um yeah, not much Dasey this chapter but I'm thinkin that there will be a lot next chapter! Thanks SO much for reading. I'll try to reply to all my reviewers for last chapi and this one too! **

**PS: I love you Emily! :P**


	5. Chapter 5

He is extremely angry with me. No. Angry is the wrong word. Pissed, maybe. Enraged. And those feelings of hostility he has towards me- they're only multiplied by 10 towards his 'ex bestfriend.'

I don't hear from him in over three days, and I start to worry that he'll never come back.

Sometimes I like to pretend like this never happened. That our parents never met. Because it's easier and better that way. It's better for Derek to be existing somewhere out in the world without my knowledge of him than it is for him to be dead. It's easier for me to push back feelings that I now know exist inside of me. My nightmares still consist of angry blades willingly being thrust into my veins.

I decide to try it one day when he still hasn't come back, just to see if I can feel anymore. But before the razor makes contact with my skin, he's hovering over me again, a sad… no- disappointed look on his face.

"Please don't." he whispers, and I drop the weapon to the floor. I've never seen him so broken and vulnerable than he is right now.

'Why'd you come back?' I try to ask, but instead "why'd you leave" escapes from my mouth.

"I thought you didn't need me anymore."

I dissolve into sobs as I realize I'll always need him, but without his touch it's hard to except that he's really there.

It's not enough.

* * *

_Ralph tries to call me three times within the next week, but I never pick up. How can I with a seething ghost Derek leering over my shoulder every time the phone rings? I don't even try to reason with him, realizing that a jealous Derek is not to be reckoned with._

_He doesn't leave me alone, not since the masochistic incident he walked in on… and somehow his presence gets less and less comforting, and more and more hindering._

_I'm encompassed by his existence, alienated from the rest of the family as they become even more concerned about my condition… whatever it might be. And I can't help but feel haunted. He's not even a memory or a mirage. He's an exact replicate of what Derek would be if he were here. And it makes me sick to think I can't even push him or hug him or-_

_It comes to the point where I can hardly take it anymore. He glares at me as I dial Ralph's number for a reassuring human voice, but I ignore his glowers as Ralph picks up. _

"_I'm really sorry, Casey!" he yells, before I can get a word in, and then we're both practically crying over the receiver. I apologize for ignoring him, and he murmurs about how he didn't mean to make a move on me, and somehow we end up talking about Derek and our nostalgic memories, blubbering and laughing at the same time. And then the subject switches to bedazzled drumming gloves and I'm not even crying anymore, just giggling like a madwoman. Which, at this point, I know I am._

_After an hour of sharing reassuring words and making another __**friendly**__ lunch date, I feel a whole hell of a lot better than I did before…_

_That is until I realize Derek is gone again._

_

* * *

_

Even though the thought of ghost Derek makes me uneasy, I make myself sick worrying about whether he's going to come back or not. Because I still _need_ him.

I try to recreate the incident where he appeared to me again, a razor dangling threateningly over my wrist, but this time I'm not interrupted by him, but a bang as the door flies open and Lizzie stands there, shock and horror on her face.

"Mom!" she shrieks, and I fling the razor to the side, breaking down, ashamed of being caught. Ashamed of what my poor sister has seen.

Ashamed of what I'd do to bring Derek back.

* * *

_Mom decides to send me to therapy twice a week. I feel trapped in the passenger seat of the car as we pull up to his home office, a small but quaint looking house in the neighborhood next to mine._

_Mom puts a hand on my knee and kisses my cheek. "I love you, Casey." she says. "Please don't be mad at me for bringing you here."_

"_No, mom. I'm not mad." I choke out, my voice not quite used to talking out loud._

_She smiles sadly and leads me out of the car to the front door, pressing the doorbell in haste. It's like she wants to get rid of me. Either that, or she's just too nervous to be around me any longer._

_The door opens and my jaw drops to the ground. There stands Paul Greeby, my high school guidance counselor. Immediately my reserve is dropped, and I fling my arms around him, pressing my cheek against his ugly sweater vest and feeling more at home than I have in a long time. He hugs back with such vigor that it surprises me, but then I realize he must have already heard about my situation. He feels sorry for me._

_I pull back and give him a weak smile. "Looks like you're in good hands." says my mom, and I turn to her, grateful that she went out of her way just to find Paul and let me meet with him. She gives me a small hug goodbye, and I turn and walk into Paul's house._

_He directs me to sit down in one of his leather recliners, and somehow I feel as if I should be laying on a couch staring at the ceiling, but am perfectly fine with this arrangement. He sits across from me. I speak first._

"_School guidance counselor by day, psychological therapist by night, huh?"_

"_More like by school year and by summer." He chuckles, cracking his knuckles. But then all seriousness appears on his face. "I'm really sorry about your loss, Casey."_

_My eyes meet the ground as I'm reminded why I'm here in the first place. "It's been so hard for me, Paul. Me, more than anyone."_

"_I know how much he meant to you." Paul says slowly. "You never came to my office for anything other than Derek." I look up, and it dawns on me that Paul is absolutely right. And then… the questions. "What have you been feeling like? Why is it harder for you than anyone else?"_

"_It's not what I've been feeling like." I sigh. "It's what I've been seeing. Derek. Everywhere. And he's not a memory either. Not even a ghost. He's just… Derek, there, in front of me."_

"_Even right now?" Paul asks._

"_He disappeared." I say, my heart beating wildly in my chest. "He goes away for a while. But this time I'm afraid he's never going to come back."_

_I open up to Paul. That's what I do. But it still hurts to say everything I've been feeling out loud. _

"_Why do you want him there, Casey?" Paul inquires gently. "What is it about him that you crave? Is he comforting? Is he helpful?"_

"_That just it… he's neither of those things. He was, at first, but now I feel like I'm just being haunted. It's just that… I need him. I __**need **__him, Paul!" My voice begins to waver and I've never felt so exposed in my entire life. I let my emotions rush out of my mouth and my heart._

"_Why do you feel you need him?"_

"_I…" Oh God. I can't do this. I begin to take in shallow breaths, my lungs gasping for air as I struggle to let the words pass my lips._

"_It's okay, Casey. You can say it. You can tell me." Paul's eyes stare eagerly and calmingly into mine, and I take a great shuddering breath before letting myself go._

"_I love him!" I yell, and a glowing white figure materializes in the corner once again, his mouth hanging wide open._

_

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_

**AN: You must be either a) very confused as to why there was an update for this story in your inbox when you clearly never put it on alert... wait... oh yes you did. it was just so FREAKING LONG AGO! or b) confused but happy that this author actually DOES update her fanfics, despite being a failure for not doing it sooner. I will not make excuses as to why I haven't updated this in so long. I apologize profusely, and I just ask that out of the kindness of your hearts, you don't completely bash my conductivity on this fic in your reviews. ;) Now that school is out (PERMANATELY) and my muse is working overtime, it's safe to say that another hugenormous break is unlikely to happen. I also apologize for all the angst and darkness I wrote in this chapter… My writing style has changed a lot since last year. :/ I hope you all don't mind. As always, please review if you have the time. I can't thank you enough for just reading! It means so much to me. 3**


	6. Chapter 6

One night Derek asked me to pick him up from work. It was dark outside, the kind of obscure darkness where you can't see anything except what's right ahead of you. The road seemed to wind on forever. I had to be alert or I was bound to crash.

When I finally got to the restaurant, all the lights were out. My first reaction was angry. Derek was probably pulling some ridiculous stunt on me, like always. I sat in the car for ten minutes, just waiting for him to pop out of the trees in a gorilla costume or something.

Ten minutes… then I was genuinely worried, rushing out of The Prince and into Smelly Nelly's. There was one dim light coming from the kitchen and I approached cautiously. My heart dropped to my stomach when I found Derek.

He and Sally were locked in a tight embrace, their arms around each other, their lips moving simultaneously. I let them be for a moment, studying their motions. I had never seen Derek kiss _any _girl like that… My mouth was dry, my throat burning. I don't think I could have spoke if I wanted to; I was routed to the spot.

Finally they broke apart, Derek reaching into his pocket for his phone. He flipped it open.

"Crap. Casey's probably waiting for me! See ya, Sal." He barely gave a backwards glance at Sally before heading out the kitchen door… running straight into me.

"Holy sh-" Derek took a deep breath. "How long have you been standing there, creepy?"

"I just got here." I lied.

I remember that night, the way Derek's lips looked on Sally's, how his arms encircled her waist. I always would imagine myself as her, imagine how Derek's lips would feel, full on mine. Maybe we would mesh together a bit better than him and Sally. Maybe I would lace my fingers through his perfect hair. Maybe he would caress my cheeks with his fingers and my skin would burn pleasantly against his touch.

I still imagine it. I still try to make myself think that it happened. But the thing that kills me the most, the fact that eats me up inside… is that it can never happen now…

* * *

_Paul has certainly never had a case like mine. A psychotic girl who keeps seeing her dead stepbrother… who she just so happens to be in love with._

_I give a silent thanks that all the information shared during my session is confidential, and Mom, George, and the kids will never find out about it._

_Mom comes to pick me up and Derek is by my side once again, his mouth still ajar. _

"_I. Cannot. Believe. You said that!" He looks like he's going to laugh, but I shoot him my most terrifying glare. He shuts up._

_Paul waves goodbye to me, his face pale and unnerved. _

_I really hope Mom pays him enough for this job…_

"_How was it?" Mom asks when we're in the car. Derek chokes._

"_Good." I say. I'm not lying. Things that had been bottled up for the longest time finally came to the surface._

"_I'm glad, Casey." Mom places a hand on her ever-growing stomach and smiles. "You know, no one can ever replace Derek, but I'm so thankful for this new baby coming. We really need that in our lives, I think."_

_I feel a little sick for a moment, never having given much thought to the baby before. I was too concerned with Derek. It's hard to fathom a birth happening so quickly after a death._

_She's right, though. No one can replace Derek._

_I have the sudden urge to punch something, furious that Derek doesn't even get the chance to see the new baby, furious that Mom would even consider the baby a solution for Derek's death. How can she be happy? I clench my fists._

"_Case, are you okay?" Derek asks from the backseat._

_I don't even give a nod._

_

* * *

_

I'm out with Ralph, (and a disgruntled Derek chugging along behind us.) We're in the park and there's a light breeze in the trees. The summer heat melts my vanilla ice cream, and I lick the stickiness off my fingers. I feel like a little kid, but then again, I always feel this way around Ralph.

Much to Derek's dismay, we're reminiscing about D-Rock and Derek's face before we went out on stage for the first time.

"He was totally going to puke on stage." Ralph says, throwing his head back in laughter.

"Lucky thing I came through for him, huh?" I giggle, strands of hair falling out of my messy ponytail.

"Pretty funny, huh, D?" Ralph asks, patting the back of the bench beside him and gazing thoughtfully at nothing.

I snort as Derek rolls his eyes. "Hello, I'm over here! He can't even see me!"

I finish off my ice cream cone. "I haven't been this happy in a long time." And suddenly the air around us grows heavy.

"Why not, Casey?" Ralph asks, his tone genuinely concerned. "Derek would want you to be happy."

"How do _you _know what I would want?" Derek mumbles beside me, his arms crossed.

"How can I be happy when he's not here? It's so… selfish." I say, ignoring Derek.

"Don't you think it's selfish to stay sad?" Ralph asks, his eyes wandering on an ant carrying part of a potato chip across the pavement, struggling to stay upright. "To make the rest of your family suffer? To stay in your own misery and not at least _try_ to move on?"

I don't say anything. As soon as Ralph's eyes leave that damn ant, I smash it flat on the ground. Put it out of its misery.

"You don't have to forget… in order to be happy." Ralph says.

* * *

"_I love you too, Case." We're driving home now, just Derek and me, when he says it. The darkness around us reminds me of the day I went to pick him up from work. But this time I don't bother slowing down to see where I'm going._

"_What?" I ask, as if I didn't just hear his confession in the first place. He __**did **__say it really softly._

"_I love you too, okay?"_

_I want to scream. I want to scream the 'f' word as loud as I possibly can into the night. Because it's the only word that comes anywhere close to how I'm feeling._

"_That just makes things harder!" I settle for yelling this instead, my hands clinging to the steering wheel in frustration. "For a while, in the park with Ralph, right after Paul's session with me, I thought things were going to be okay!"_

"_Casey, calm down." Derek looks ghostly white… okay, more so than usual. His hands grip the arm rests on either side of his seat. "I just thought you should know."_

"_God, you thought I should know, did you?" I start to lose it. He doesn't understand… doesn't get how this complicates things. "Because knowing __**that **__makes things so much better. Because I can't even kiss you! Because I can't even __**touch **__you! Because I can't even really tell you how I feel because you're not fucking real!"_

_It comes out. I let the vile words escape from my lips, tears cascading from my eyes._

"_Casey…" Derek starts._

"_What?" I yell angrily, swerving dangerously on the road._

"_I can't do anything about that." He says calmly, obviously trying to help me in my enraged state. "I came back because I love you. I came back to help you cope. And I want you to be happy no matter what." He gulps, letting go of the arm rests as I slow down. "Even if that means…" He hesitates. "Being with Ralph."_

"_I don't want Ralph." I say quickly. Ralph is sweet, caring… but he's no Derek._

"_Even if that means getting over me." Derek continues._

_I don't say anything. How can I get over him? I stare silently at the road ahead of us, a bend approaching. My hands turn the wheel…_

"_Damn. This is where I crashed." Derek says, and for a split second I take my eyes off the road and let them linger on his face._

"_Casey, what're you-"_

_A split second is all it takes. We're veering off the course of the road. I scream. We crash headfirst into a giant tree. My head lurches forward, right into the steering wheel, the airbags deploying a second too late. Everything is black._

_But somewhere in the darkness I feel arms encircle my waist and hold me tight…_

_

* * *

_

**AN: I fully intended for this to be the last chapter. Yeah. No. Apparently my brain thinks otherwise. ;) I'm sorry I made you all wait so long for this update! Thank you all so much for your kind words on the last chapter. I really hope I'm doing Emily's video justice! If you have the time, please review. I appreciate it! **

**HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY EMILY! This update is 1/3 of your bday present! xD I wanted to upload now because I don't know if I'm going to get part of your gift done before I go to Florida. -_- But I promise your other gifts are far less depressing… lol! I LOVE YOU!**


	7. Chapter 7

_Sometimes I wonder if some people have the choice to die or not. Like when they're slipping into the black, hearing voices from reality, and finding warmth in death's encircling arms, do they choose the easier option? Because it would be a whole lot harder to fight death than to embrace it._

_I like to think that Derek didn't have a choice. That death took him instantly. Because I know that if he had the option, he would fight like hell to continue to live. I mean, he even came back as a spirit of some sort, just to finish what he hadn't on earth._

_**I love you too.**_

_The words echo in my brain, pulling me closer to death's clutches, the black looking incredibly comforting. Derek. Isn't that all I want? To be reunited with the boy I had loved for so long… that I still love. If I live, won't things only get worse? His voice, his words forever circulating in my mind, calling me to him. Will his ghost never cease to haunt me? I realize I will never be able to get Derek out of my head, my heart. Why would I? Ever since he stepped into my life, it had been changed for the better. The pranks, the fights, and the insults… I wouldn't have it any other way. And secretly, I loved it all._

_The darkness feels so warm, so near. I can't even feel the throbbing in my head anymore. I don't even feel real anymore. _

_But just before I leave my body, one last pain shoots through my pulsing brain. If I was conscious, I would have screamed, the pain overwhelming, searing through my skull. And then… voices._

_**Shit! Didn't some teenage boy crash here a while ago? They need to fix this damn road! Call 911, quick!**_

_**Such a tragedy. Those poor parents, losing one child right after the other.**_

_**Did she do it on purpose?**_

_**We're doing our best, ma'am. Please, you have to go to the waiting room. You can't be in here right now.**_

_**Oh my god… Casey! No! Why? WHY?**_

_**You don't have to forget… in order to be happy.**_

_And I'm trapped between white and black, both Derek and Ralph's words spinning in my head. Or is that just dizziness? _

_Suddenly I'm thinking of my family, of teary-eyed George, and a bawling Mom. Of Lizzie's wide eyes as she finds out another one of her siblings is dead. Of Edwin as he finds out that he's now the eldest child, his Adam's apple sliding down his throat as he gulps, the news hardly registering in his brain. Of Marti, her screams echoing in the house as she demands to know where her Smerek and Casey have gone… and why they're never coming back. Of the new baby, entering the world with a broken family. His tiny eyes never knowing his big brother or big sister._

_And then I think of Ralph, my new friend. How strange is it that we found solace in each other. Ralph and me, of all people? All I know is that I'm so glad we found eachother, that I found someone to talk to who doesn't judge me… Who comes close to knowing exactly how I feel._

_And then I think of Queen's, of dancing and studying and laughing. Of hugging Lizzie, joking with Edwin, tucking Marti into bad, holding the baby._

_Death is easy. Death is selfish._

_I fight for the light, feel air reenter my lungs. Tears roll down my face as I take in a great shuddering breath, the pain in my head consuming me. I think I might have shrieked out loud._

"_Her vitals… She's waking! Oh my god. It's a miracle!"_

_The walls are white. Everyone is dressed in white jackets and scrubs. There's this bright light shining right in my face. For a moment, I wonder if I died._

_But then a doctor leans over me, the same one that told me my stepbrother was dead._

"_Welcome back, Casey." he says, smiling. "Welcome back."_

_

* * *

_

"Holy hell. That was like the scariest phone call of my life."

I'm trying really hard not to laugh because it hurts my head _so_ much. But admittedly, it has gotten better over the past few days. The whole family had come to visit me, much to the nurse's dismay. Four smiling faces, one of them that of a heavily pregnant woman piled into the tiny room. Ralph sits next to me now, five days after the accident.

"Holy hell." I repeat back, chuckling to myself and smoothing the sheets on my bed. "I can only imagine. Sorry to give you quite a scare, there!"

"Ha ha, it's okay. I'm just glad you're alright." He doesn't try anything, doesn't make a move, not since that day I ran out on him at the restaurant. Most guys would have taken advantage of this situation. I'm so grateful that he doesn't. I realize now that I'm not ready for anything other than friendship… with anybody. Not for a long time…

There's silence, but it's not awkward.

"Derek is glad too, aren't you, buddy?" Ralph says finally, looking at the edge of my bed. There's nothing there. Suddenly I'm filled with dread.

"Ralph, Derek's gone." I don't want to cry. It hurts my head more to cry. "He's been gone ever since the accident." I stare at the corner of my bed, concentrating on not letting the tears fall from my eyes.

"Oh." Ralph says simply. "I'm sorry."

I smile softly, a small tear running down my cheek. I brush it away with my index finger. "It's okay." I say. "He's not _really_ gone."

It's silent again, and I reach my open palm out towards Ralph, my eyes never leaving the bed. In my peripheral vision I see him hesitate, his fingers moving slowly until they meet mine. I squeeze his hand, and the throbbing in my head stops temporarily.

* * *

_Life isn't going to be easy from this point on. It won't be the same. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to move past the point of knowing I'll never get to hug or kiss Derek. I don't know if I'll ever fully __**get over**__ Derek. But at least I know that he loved me as much as I loved him. And I have friends and family that love me too. Not in the same way that Derek did, but it's enough to keep me going._

_Two weeks after the accident, I hold baby Simon in my arms. He smiles up at me, his little hands moving adamantly. He has Derek's eyes._

_Death is easy. Death is selfish. It wasn't my time to die and abandon the people who needed me. _

_But when I do die, I know I will see Derek again. And feel his arms encircle me until the end of time…_

_

* * *

_

**I can't believe it's over… Thank you everyone who read and continued to read even after my ridiculously long hiatus! I only hope that you're pleased with how everything turned out! I know a lot of people wanted to see Casey die, and that was my original intention. But as I wrote, I realized how much she really needed to live, and even though her love for Derek drew her to death, she had more reasons to keep going. Hopefully I portrayed this appropriately. Once again, thank you all so much! Please let me know what you think! **

**Love, **

**Erin**


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